Level Up: Dad Edition
Table of Contents
I originally wrote this article before discovering the wonderful news that we would be expecting a baby. I wanted to organize my thoughts on what it meant to be a dad in hopes of having that process help me as a future dad one day. Nearly all of it has been kept in its original format below with the expection of some small grammar changes. Enjoy!
What is a Dad? #
On the surface, answering this question might seem instinctual or obvious to many. A dad might be defined as a father, parent, leader of the family, protector, etc. Most people understand what is implied in the meaning of the word dad, but like myself, might struggle to articulate those implied thoughts explicitly into exact words. The more you dig into answering that question, the more ambiguous and complex it becomes. I am aware that I may not fully be capable of answering my own question “What is a dad” prior to being one myself. Nevertheless, I still believe it could be useful to articulate my thoughts on this and explore what a dad means through writing. So, my aim here is to explore this special and honored word in an attempt to one day be the best dad that I can possibly be for my future children.
Dad Mythology #
Mythologically a dad can be simultaneously synonymous to many ideas and words. It can mean father time, the Great father, masculinity, order, law, culture, king, or Homer Simpson the well-meaning but often inept and clueless dad. These are mostly positive aspects to the mythological representations of a “dad”. To me, a dad seems to mean to be all of these simultaneously and still more.
One mythological representation of what an ideal dad might look like can be seen in Disney’s original Pinocchio movie. The father, Mister Geppetto, is an elderly woodcarver who is responsible for bringing the story’s main character Pinocchio to life. After creating Pinocchio, he wishes upon a star that one day Pinocchio would come to life. Ultimately, because he genuinely wished this, his wish is granted and Pinocchio does come to life the next day. Geppetto bringing Pinocchio into life brought him great joy. However, because Geppetto is not selfish and genuine in his wish, he quickly encourages Pinocchio to venture out into the real world. Doing so pushes Pinocchio to his limits falling prey to the tortures and malevolence that exist in the world. The story is told in this manner because it turns out that this exploration out into the world is what gives Pinocchio the strength, courage, and bravery to rescue his father Geppetto when he most needs Pinocchio. Had Geppetto not pushed Pinocchio out into the world both would have perished within the belly of the whale and Pinocchio would not have turned into a real boy. Real boy meant Pinocchio grew up into his best version of himself in order to take on the world as an individual. All of this was possible because Geppetto was willing to risk the thing he valued most, Pinocchio, in the service of something even greater, Pinocchio becoming a real boy. While it may typically be more difficult for mothers to let their children out into the world, it is just as important for fathers to also not withhold their child selfishly. This representation of what it means to be a dad is what I want to strive to be for my kids.
The mythological representation of a dad, or father, can also be a dark, opposite, and or negative representation. Examples of this include tyrant, bully, fascism, authoritarian, etc. Homer Simpson is a more recent example that can often show both mythological sides through his many examples of presenting selfish or impulsive behavior only to later regret his actions and seek his family’s forgiveness. In addition, many of us can probably think of examples of our own dads showing both sides of the mythological representation just like Homer. Because we are all only human, a dad needs to fully understand both sides, good and bad, of the dad mythological representations.
I believe to fully understand both sides means incorporating the dark side, or mythological shadow, into the process of pursuing the positive elements of being a dad. When properly done, a dad should have the capacity to protect his family from bullies, criminals, and evil doers without applying this shadow towards his own family in ways like the abusive drunk father would. A harmless dad is not helpful or able to protect in times that skilled force is necessary. Or, in times that his shadow invites him to unleash tyrant like elements onto his family when his child slams the bedroom door for the tenth time. He will not have the fear of his shadow motivating him to maintain his cool. Knowing where this line is in the mythological sand between good and evil is difficult, however, not knowing where this line is means you will fall prey to the shadow, even if you don’t think that is possible. Which if you do not believe this, I would say go read the book Ordinary Men to understand exactly how that happened to ordinary men in Nazi Germany.
Dads Showing Up #
Moving outside of mythological terms, I believe being a dad means showing up for and advocating for his portion of the parenting balance. Which in order to do so means being present in the parenting balance within a marriage. Today in America, there is a fatherless crisis where an evermore increasing number of households do not have a father present. The most recent estimate says that over a third (33%) of children live absent of their father (1). This is in stark contrast with the statistic that says less than 10% of adults were unmarried in 1960 (2). A fatherless home, not surprisingly, leads to all sorts of negative statistics on children and families. Some of these include 90% of all homeless children are fatherless, 85% of youth in prison grew up fatherless, children are 9 times more likely to drop out of school, are 20 times more likely to be incarcerated, and the list goes on and on (3). Ultimately, the literature, and most peoples intuition, show that in-tacked families with fathers present are better for children in all areas.
“Aggregately, this leads to my predicting that the biggest gap between boys who are successful and unsuccessful in the future will be the gap between those who are dad-enriched versus dad-deprived” - Dr. Warren Ferrel, Boy Crisis
The source of that quote, Dr. Warren Ferrel’s book, is a book that has been on my reading list for a while. I have yet to read it, but his conclusion that boys across America are failing stems “…primarily from a lack of father involvement, and secondarily from devaluing what a father contributes when he is involved” supports my claim that dad’s have a responsibility to support their pillar of the parenting and family structure. Dr. Ferrel’s second claim that society undervalues dad’s role in the family dynamic might mean it is harder for some dads out there to want to show up for their family and children and be present. It might be easier and almost encouraged for dads to just say the family doesn’t really need him and then feel forced out of the parenting equation, and sometimes the child’s life. However, just because something is hard doesn’t mean it is not worth doing or is not what truly should be done. In fact, it probably means it is even more important than we realize.
Just like there is a balance in the mythological representations of a dad, I believe a dad provides a necessary balance to the family tree. We all can agree that there are many super moms out there do an almost impossibly miraculous job raising children without a father in the picture, doing so is incredibly difficult and most likely does not come without tremendous help from family, friends, or the community. However, in most scenarios, and for most people, a mother needs the father to help contribute his portion of the family dynamic as a dad and as a husband. What exactly that pillar is increasingly left up to each family to negotiation in today’s age, which is a new issue in and of itself, but nonetheless he still needs to show up and contribute to whatever that might look like in his family no matter what.
What can I do going forward? #
When I combine the mythological representations of dad and from Dr. Ferrel warnings on fatherlessness, what can I suggest to myself going forward as I am preparing myself for taking on this role called a dad one day soon? I think understanding that the mythological positive and negative characters a dad can take on is something I would suggest to myself. If I find myself taking on an excess amount of negative like thoughts or attributes through my own self reflection or through feedback of others I should do my best to investigate this. I should also remember a dad that does not address this early could fall prey to these shadows elements and become more and more like the tyrant, bully, and other negative elements. I should also use the fear of this outcome to help me aim AWAY from. It will be a challenge to understand these and know the right moments when force, rules, and quick action is necessary. However, if I truly want the best for myself, my children, and my family, I will tackle this challenge head on to attempt to bring forth the best elements of the dad within me that is soon to be brought forth.
Secondly, I would challenge myself to always show up for my kids and wife as a father. I cannot possibly know how I can best do this but I must try, fail, and communicate my failure into learning opportunities so that I can responsibly support my pillar of the family tree. If I don’t, my kids, wife, and myself too will suffer and be worse off than had I strove to show up. I am challenging myself to find comfort in the failures and to learn from my mistakes as a dad. I would like to challenge myself to find a men’s group so that they can help encourage me, highlight any learning opportunities I probably will not see, and to ultimately return the favor to them with encouragement and support. I also would like to challenge myself to continue to communicate honestly and fully with my wife, especially in the difficult and stressful times life brings. Not reaching out for support and accepting that I need help is difficult task for me at times. I challenge myself to overcome this so that I can always be the best dad for my kids.
Much can be said on what a dad is, however, I know full well that I still have much to learn and will only fully understand once the day comes when I become a dad. Dads can take on many forms and roles but we all remember when dads hit the mark. We vividly remember the moments when our dad showed up and was there for us. The best of these moments are memorably passed on to those around us in stories to serve as inspiration. Listening to these stories and challenging myself is how I will continuously strive upwards towards being the best dad I can be for my children. This means fighting for them when needed and knowing when to let them go and grow into their own individual potential. I will need help with finding this proper fatherly line, but if I get it right, perhaps like Geppetto, I too will be safely rescued from my own whale’s belly by my children.